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Title: "Over"--Part One (1/1--but might be a series)
Rub it. His mind was ordering him, and his right hand immediately began to stray down toward his semi-erect dick.
"Not much choice now, is there?" he whispered, glancing around at the gray shapes in the dark room.
It hadn't been all that long ago that Kevin would have shared his bedroom--and shared the task of rubbing him off.
But these days Kevin had better things to do. "Probably better people to do, too," Nick Carter quipped, giggling at his own dumb joke.
And that was only part of the problem, really. Not only was Kevin busy with other people and other tasks, but he'd recently approached the group and told them he finally wanted out. And it made Nick wince even now that Kevin had actually used the word 'finally' when he'd talked to them.
"Prick," he said, giggling again. For some reason calling Kevin a prick seemed especially funny when done at a moment where he was tugging on his own. "I guess I'm a prick calling a prick a prick," he added. The sentence didn't make much sense, but Nick didn't really care. Being half drunk always made him curse more than normal--and with cursing it wasn't about making sense, just about the sound of the words as they rolled off his tongue.
What would the Backstreet Boys be like without Kevin Richardson?
Worse than that, Nick thought, what would his life be like?
During the long years since Nick had turned legal, he and Kevin had managed to find lots of time to be together--in spite of Kevin's wife Kristin and several love interests of Nick's.
No matter what had been happening with the group--or their lives away from the group--Kevin and Nick were a given. Everyone knew that--and everyone accepted it. It was beyond any normal set of mores or vows.
Nick sighed, still rubbing his dick, which was still only half hard. He stared into the gloom wondering how many other nights he'd lain in his bed, just like this, struggling to satisfy himself--only to see Kevin's tall form moving toward him, a thin, dark silhouette that towered toward the ceiling.
Would he ever see that sight again?
Nick let his mind wander back. He remembered doing everything in his power to try and catch Kevin's gaze during that fateful meeting when Kevin made his announcement. He'd known that Kevin was deliberately avoiding eye contact--known that he was be treated like 'one of the guys,' in spite of their intimate relationship.
Nick could feel his neck and face flushing with the same heat he'd felt during that meeting. It had been nearly impossible to contain his anger, but that had been nothing next to the hurt he felt that Kevin hadn't bothered to approach him first with this devastating news...
He'd wanted to ask Kevin after the meeting had ended, but Kevin had skillfully managed to side-step him. Nick's heart still ached as he pictured Kevin walking away, his arm wrapped around his cousin Brian's shoulder.
Nick hadn't planned his nearly stalker-ish behavior in the days after, but he'd felt powerless to stop himself from phoning Kevin over and over again--and from repeatedly driving by Kevin's home, though he hadn't actually gone up to the door.
After several weeks Nick had finally thrown in the towel. It was clear Kevin didn't plan to discuss the situation with him. Or if he did plan to, he was going to do it using his own time frame--and not Nick's.
Nick couldn't help wondering if his name had appeared on some list of pros and cons that Kevin had drawn up. Had he shared that list with his wife? Had he shared it with some of his friends and family members? Why hadn't he shared it with Nick? Had Kevin even considered breaking things to Nick--preparing him for bad news? Or did Kevin even realize how bad the news would be? Maybe his desire to move on hadn't just been career-oriented; perhaps Kevin had also been ready to change other aspects of his life...
Or worse yet, maybe Kevin didn't know how hard Nick would take it! Maybe he'd never felt the same deep connection. Though the two men had spent countless hours together, they'd rarely spent time talking about what was between them. Nick had always assumed they were both on the same page--that what they shared didn't need to be put into words. But now it seemed as if he'd been wrong all along... Was it possible for two people to be close for a number of years with both of them viewing their relationship in entirely different ways?
So it seemed.
Nick gave up his quest for pleasure and let his hand drop to his side. He was jaded enough to know that there would be other nights when he'd find satisfaction touching himself--and that at some point he'd find others to share his bed. After all, it wasn't as if he and Kevin had ever been exclusive. But, Nick wondered, was that the reason it had been so easy for Kevin? Nick had never even considered asking that his lover choose between him and his wife--or any other person Kevin had cared to bed. (There had always been plenty of the latter.) If Kristin had always been understanding about Kevin's activities, then how could Nick be less so?
Nick threw back the sheet and sat up, his bare feet restless on the thick carpet. He knew he'd never be able to sleep, but he didn't know what to do with himself. Should he get up, get dressed and go out? There was always a party somewhere when you were Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys...
There was no point in lying around feeling sorry for himself. He wasn't a kid anymore who could run off and tell his woes to a family member or one of the Boys.
Besides, he had projects of his own to occupy his time and thoughts. And maybe that was one of the reasons Kevin had felt the timing was good for breaking his news...
This wasn't the first relationship in Nick's life that had ended painfully--not by a long shot. But he couldn't remember any other time when he'd felt so low. He knew there would never be anybody who could make him feel the way Kevin did--so giddy, so happy, so content. One of the ways he'd managed to get through other bad breakups was because he'd counted on Kevin to help him. Kevin's love had seemed eternal.
Just maybe he'd even been foolish enough to take Kevin for granted.
"How about a do-over?" Nick said, flopping back on the mattress. In his mind he could hear Kevin's soft drawling voice answer back.
"I'm up for that, Nicky."
Nick's chest was burning as he threw an arm across his face. He wanted to block out both the image and sound of his lover. He needed to force himself to move on.
The romance was over.
Had there really ever been a romance at all? Yeah. Nick had believed in it, so that was enough--even if Kevin had felt different toward him. Maybe it really didn't matter if love was one-sided. Nick knew he didn't want to go back and change things. He wasn't sorry he'd been close to Kevin, even if that meant he had to suffer from loss now.
Nick moved his arm and rolled on his side. For a moment he pretended that Kevin was lying beside him, just out of reach. He sniffed, imagining Kevin's musky smell. He closed his eyes and reached out, letting his fingers trace the air as though he could feel Kevin's thigh and hip.
"Maybe it's not over at all," Nick whispered.
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